so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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