Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
