I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
soo... how was my night?
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
