Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
