She went from zero to smokin in five shots
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
