She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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