I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
