I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
