im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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