that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
