I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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