Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Randomize
