You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I need to sanitize my soul.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
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