he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
