Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
