ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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