Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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