Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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