I faked an abortion last night.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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