I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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