apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
