Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
