my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
