Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize