i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
