My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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