So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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