According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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