Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize