A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize