Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Randomize
