You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
