Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
