I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
