Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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