Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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