I wanna bring you to show and tell
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
