Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
