I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
