If that was your dad, he is hot
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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