we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
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