can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize