i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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