I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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