I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
