we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
birth control should be required to get into college
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
