Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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