3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
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