Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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