he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Randomize