Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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