Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize