I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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