Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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