Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
