Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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