I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
It's shark week go big or go home
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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