Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
