I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Randomize
