I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
